Lost

Ever wake up and feel lost? Everything around me is as it should be but I don't feel like I am suppose to be here. I am lost in my own life at the moment. I am sad, scared and lost. I am having a hard time looking into the faces of people I see and know who are fake, pretending to be what they are not. I want to yell at them and scream their faults to the world. How dare I? I have no right to be someone's judge and jury! I want to love them as God loves them and to see Him in them. SO why am I so resistant to this? To them?

I know what I need to do to find my way out of this. Prayer!! I need to pray to see the light. I need to pray for his love to come to me and through me.

I am tired of my hurt feelings and ego being so important to me. I want to be forgiving and just be bale to let things go. Not that I will forget the hurts and the pain but I do not want them controlling where I am and what I am feeling/doing today!

Is being kind to the superficial person who I would rather ignore me being fake? Am I being exactly what I dislike in others? I want to have an open heart to everyone, I want to be willing to listen with open ears and an open mind. I feel like they are all closed to people who I feel are fake. This is not where I want to be.

As some of you may know I have had a rough time with one particular woman in my neighborhood. Not that we were ever the best of friends but I find others treat me different now that this woman does not like me. The ones who use to whine and complain about her behind her back to me are the ones turning their noses up at me now. I know I am the newbie and the outsider, I get this. That's okay with me in my head that people want to be like this but I want to feel okay with it in my heart. I want to stop hurting over this situation. I have apologized with my words and my actions for my part in what caused the situation and can do nothing more from my end.

I find it so hard to look at this person who threatened to beat my face in 3 weeks ago and now claims she is a missionary, it makes me think about all the other so called Christians in my life and how I saw their true colours after a time. I do not want to be that kind of christian! I want to be who I say I am. I want the love of the Lord to be my guiding star and to shine through me to lead others to Him. Am I capable of this? Am I the right person?

God, please show me what it is YOU want for me. Your will not mine be done. Amen