Lost

Ever wake up and feel lost? Everything around me is as it should be but I don't feel like I am suppose to be here. I am lost in my own life at the moment. I am sad, scared and lost. I am having a hard time looking into the faces of people I see and know who are fake, pretending to be what they are not. I want to yell at them and scream their faults to the world. How dare I? I have no right to be someone's judge and jury! I want to love them as God loves them and to see Him in them. SO why am I so resistant to this? To them?

I know what I need to do to find my way out of this. Prayer!! I need to pray to see the light. I need to pray for his love to come to me and through me.

I am tired of my hurt feelings and ego being so important to me. I want to be forgiving and just be bale to let things go. Not that I will forget the hurts and the pain but I do not want them controlling where I am and what I am feeling/doing today!

Is being kind to the superficial person who I would rather ignore me being fake? Am I being exactly what I dislike in others? I want to have an open heart to everyone, I want to be willing to listen with open ears and an open mind. I feel like they are all closed to people who I feel are fake. This is not where I want to be.

As some of you may know I have had a rough time with one particular woman in my neighborhood. Not that we were ever the best of friends but I find others treat me different now that this woman does not like me. The ones who use to whine and complain about her behind her back to me are the ones turning their noses up at me now. I know I am the newbie and the outsider, I get this. That's okay with me in my head that people want to be like this but I want to feel okay with it in my heart. I want to stop hurting over this situation. I have apologized with my words and my actions for my part in what caused the situation and can do nothing more from my end.

I find it so hard to look at this person who threatened to beat my face in 3 weeks ago and now claims she is a missionary, it makes me think about all the other so called Christians in my life and how I saw their true colours after a time. I do not want to be that kind of christian! I want to be who I say I am. I want the love of the Lord to be my guiding star and to shine through me to lead others to Him. Am I capable of this? Am I the right person?

God, please show me what it is YOU want for me. Your will not mine be done. Amen

School is cancelled... :- ( : )

Yeah and BOO to the cancellation of school today. Olivia is going to miss out on seeing Hilda and I am not able to go to the Self Esteem workshop that was scheduled for today. BUT my girlies are home safe with me <3 Unfortionately I have a wicked cold and feel super cranky.

Think it will be a movie, snuggle and  French Onion soup day!! I don't like to brag about much but friends and family have convinced me that my version of this soup is the best in the maritimes!!  My Olivia even loves it :)

I struggle when I am sick, alone with the girls. As a single mother with a preschool maniac and a 9 year old softy it can be hard when I am sick. I need to be a peacemaker with my girls A LOT!! Autumn picks on Olivia so much. Olivia is such a sensitive girl that she is bothered by this to extremes. On a good day it can be tiring but when I am sick I want to sit in a ball and cry sometimes. I have a new partner in raising my kids as of late though. God is holding my hand and teaching me how to be a patient, kind mom, even when I am sick. I have had a lot of help from others with understanding what is going on with my kids and their behavior and how I can help myself and them through it.

I am reading a couple of books right now to help me to learn about being a loving and spiritual mother. It is not easy. I am a work in progress!!

My gorgeous girlies <3

Passion

Passion is all around me. Every where I look I see another glimpse of it. Sometimes it's a glaring reflection of myself in the mirror or the faces of one of my children or the world around me.

Passion:  1. Strong and barely controllable emotion. 2. A state or outburst of such emotion.

My 3 year old daughter Autumn has a very passionate disposition. Whether it happen to be with me or like most days against me, she truly puts her everything into whatever she is doing. She has a spirit that can not be stopped. She takes after her mother and her father in this respect and then takes it to a whole new level. She is an amazing miracle. I have a hard time keeping up with her and she is GREAT teacher for me in learning to be patient.

My 9 year old Olivia is very subdued in most of her emotions. She has a passionate soul that she shares with only those she truly trusts and looks up to. Her calmness and ability to adjust to whatever life seems to bring her way amaze me. No one who meets Olivia ever forgets her. She leaves an impression on your heart. Olivia's compassion for the Lord has been so eye opening and heart warming for me and so many others.

Now my passion for the Lord and serving him is becoming encompassing of my whole heart! I have a fire burning so hot that at times I feel like I am going to explode. I want to be a better person, I want my Love for God to be visible to others in my words and more importantly in my actions.

*This post was writing in December 2012 and did not realize that it was not published until today. (I need to write more as I made a commitment to write 2-3 times a week.)

My eyes and heart have been opened to you Lord

Wow. All I can say is wow. I have been touched by Jesus. I have been awoken as a new person! I am loved and I am accepted as who I am!!

I can not believe how much my life has changed since I started this blog. I have decided to follow Jesus with all my heart, i was baptized, my 9 year old angelic little girl was baptized and I have had my heart and my eyes opened to a new degree. Thank you Lord!

Life has not been easy mind you. Lots of bumps and bruises, literally and emotionally. But with my spiritual fitness growing so rapidly, I have been able to face it all with a smile and knowledge that 'This too shall pass'.  

I am not alone and God has proven this to me in soo many ways!! Loneliness is something that I struggled with for most of my life and I am learning that I am never alone. I had a friend drop in to pray with me last week because they knew that I was having a bad day. Never in my life have I had friends that were so compassionate! I see God in them and it just build my love for Him stronger and stronger. 

I am learnign to pray not only when I am in hot water, but to say Thank You. I am learning to listen for answers no matter what I want the answer to be. Still struggling with always doing what He wants for me but I am working on it.

I have decided to quit smoking today. I prayed for willingness to want to quit, and praying for the strength to follow through. Looking at it in a new way. I am using that money to literally put up in smoke and there are people who are living in such poverty that I am shameful to continue this wasteful habit.

I never thought that I would be someone to go to a country to see poverty and orphans. I have a very tender spot for children and I have a difficult time thinking about the evil that children have been and are being exposed and subjected to. Boaz ministries is doing a missions trip to Haiti and March and I was all set to sit back and help fundraise for others to go and pray here where I was "safe". Well last night Scott Wood, the director of Boaz Ministries posted that they still had room for 2 more people to go. I prayed last night and asked God if I would be benificial to the Boaz to go with them. This morning I woke up on fire to go!! I got a hold of the passport office to ask some questions about my past to see if I was still able to obtain a passport and I CAN!! <3 My amazing Aunt has agreed to take care of my children if I do go. At this point I do not know if I will be going or not on this trip but I am feeling an amazing desire to follow and to be involved in as many of these trips as I can. So if not this one then the next and the next :) I am going to be creating some hats and coffee cozies with the Boaz emblem on them for fundraising. I am also open to any ideas that anyone else has to be creative and give as much as possible to this amazing opportunity.

I thank you God for today, for the sun, for the birds singing and for the freedom to write about you and for you. I thank you Lord for the new life you have given me and opened my eyes and heart to. I am so on fire for you Lord and for your desires for me. Take my will and my life and show me how to live. I love You. I want you to work through me to bring others to You and Your love. May you watch over all the little children of the world. Let Your Light shine through me and allow my story to be for Your glory!! AMEN <3